My best friend Rachel’s dad, Darryl, is such a total bummer and A LIAR! Here are 13 times he was soooooo full of shit:
Darryl says he was in the army, but he won’t tell us where he got to go and always says he, “doesn’t want to re-live it for our entertainment,” whatever that means!
Darryl always says he’s seen “darkness we can only dream of,” but he won’t even tell us what the fuck that means and why he keeps ruining brunch with his bullshit.
Rachel told me her dad was going to get a better pool this summer, but then when summer rolled around he acted like they’d never talked about it and just stared through us like we weren’t even there.
Darryl says he still loves Rachel’s mom, but if that were true why would she say she, “can’t do this any more” and ask for a divorce?
At Rachel’s seventh birthday party, Darryl made a big-ass deal about, “never missing another one of his little angel’s birthdays,” but then a few years later he got a DUI and missed her 11th birthday cause he was in jail.
Rachel’s dad said he’s gone 89 hours without sleep before, but he can barely make it through watching 3 Fast and the Furious movies with us before he passes out and starts yelling “Medic!!!” in his sleep
Rachel’s dad says he’s dating but we stole his phone and all it has on it is Rachel’s cell and the number for the county’s crisis hotline. No Tinder or OKCupid!!!
One time Darryl told Rachel he was gonna take us to the mall but he spent the whole day locked in his room watching Apocalypse Now and crying like a little bitch!
Every Fourth of July, Darryl says he wants to have a big barbecue and party all night for “freedom” or whatever, but as soon as people start shooting off fireworks he runs into the basement and won’t come out.
Rachel’s dad says he’s a really good cook, but he never makes anything. Rachel cooks, and her dad eats these weird packets of food that cook in their own bag and smell like a wet raccoon’s asshole.
Rachel’s dad thinks Vin Diesel could beat up the Rock which is just fucking impossible.
Rachel’s dad says you can feel it in your soul when you take a man’s life, but one time I hit a dog with my mom’s Audi and I didn’t feel anything.