Seattle Reinforces Toilets To Withstand Violent Coffee Shits

To ensure public safety, the City of Seattle has issued a public ordinance to mandate that all toilets be reinforced in order to withstand the violent coffee shits that have become a staple of the city’s coffee culture.

Seattle Mayor Jenny Durkan has declared a city-wide plumbing emergency after escalating instances of exploding porcelain toilets and toilet related injuries. “With local coffee shops offering Venti sized espresso with extra shots, we’ve never seen butts exploding to this magnitude before!”

Over 600,000 single family home toilets will be reinforced with steel beams and roll cages to ensure the safety of local crappers. Municipal code changes will mandate that toilets within the greater Seattle area have at least one emergency exit and proper ventilation installed within 100 feet.

“We care about the posteriors and lower intestines of our residents,” said Durkan, “and we want our city to be able to enjoy whatever rainbow bullshit latte Starbucks comes up with next, so we hope this will put the assholes of our beautiful city at ease.”

When asked to comment, local plumbing company, Roto Rooter, were hosing each other down and spraying each other with bleach. “We’re grateful to have survived this ordeal, and so are our emotional support animals. It’s nice to know that the city will donate as many resources as they would to a fatal mud slide, because that’s what this was. I’ll never be able to look at a Frappucino again without dry-heaving.”

Ash Strayer

Funny, in spite of ovaries.

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