Search Continues For Woman Lost In Infinity Scarf

The Kirkland woman was last seen wearing this infinity scarf, before disappearing into ultimate comfort.

Karen Johnson has been missing since Tuesday morning and was last seen wearing a black, oversized infinity scarf. She was last heard saying, “Brr! It’s lookin’ chilly out there,” before she disappeared in the doorway of her Kirkland, Washington home.

“Karen had been experimenting with infinity scarves for awhile now,” said her husband, Greg Johnson, “She just wanted her scarves to go on forever, but this time she went too far. She learned how to knit them herself, but she would just keep knitting and knitting until our guests started wiping their feet on them because they thought they were rugs!”

This is the third disappearance involving an infinity scarf in the last year, according to local police chief, Stewart Bloomberg. “They just keep swallowing people up! Infinity scarves are like millennial land sharks! I tried to tell them!”

When asked if he had any leads on Karen Johnson’s disappearance, Sgt. Bloomberg was heard to say, “INFINITY IS FOREVER! Do you know what that MEANS? THAT’S ENDLESS COMFORT! IT WILL DESTROY ALL OF US!” before torching a stack of LL Bean catalogues.

Ash Strayer

Funny, in spite of ovaries.

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