I Didn’t Believe In Global Warming Until Toni Collette Didn’t Get An Oscar Nomination for Hereditary

Toni Collette awaits her Oscar nomination in Los Angeles, California.

Sure, there’s been a lot of buzz around polar vortex blasts, record low temperatures, even numerous reported casualties in sub -50°F weather across the United States, but I wasn’t convinced this whole “Global Warming” thing was real until the Academy failed to nominate Toni Collette for an Oscar.

What clearer sign could there be of the rapid deterioration of our ecosystem than this heavenly archetype of acting perfection being snubbed out of an Oscar? Toni Collette is the butter of the film industry, she forms a smooth creamy finish that brings every production together, and she’s always the best part. In Ari Aster’s 2018 thriller, Hereditary, Toni Collette is the bridge between horror and the classic family drama. She manages to capture the entire range of human emotion in her performance including super high highs and humbling gutteral lows. Why she wasn’t handed the lot of Oscars as other actors threw their hands up can only be explained as another clear symptom of Global Warming

Some of the effects of prolonged exposure to extreme cold temperatures are hypothermia, which causes disorientation, confusion, and impaired judgment. When bodily temperature starts to drop the body starts to involuntary shiver which makes it much more difficult to write the name of your nominee legibly, or fill in the bubble next to your nominee completely. I think we can safely say that the Academy’s failure to nominate Toni Collette was a direct result of hypothermia caused by this really super real global warming thing.

Ari Aster, another casualty of the impaired judgement of the Academy, should also find reassurance in knowing that Hereditary did not win Best Film because the judges had what can only be described as “climate change brain freeze.” If they had been in their right minds, they would be able to recognize that the Horror/Thriller film genre deserves just as much consideration and praise as drama, etc. Hey, if these jokers can hand out awards for hipster musicals like La-La-Land they can give the horror genre a shot too! (La-La-Land is basically a horror film as far as I’m concerned.)

As citizens of Earth, our responsibility to reduce our carbon footprint is more important than ever. We need to eat less meat to reduce methane emissions, reduce our use of plastics, and drive electric cars, so that Toni Collette can collect on what is owed to her, and hey, as a bonus, we can save our planet too. So let’s all do our part to turn Global Warming around and right the wrongs of this reckless tyrant in the White House, the fate of the film industry depends on it!

Ash Strayer

Funny, in spite of ovaries.

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