Going Green: Starbucks Now Offering All Drinks At Room Temperature

To support Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s proposed new Green Deal, Starbucks has announced it will serve all its drink offerings at room temperature to save energy.

When approached for comment, Howard Schuktz, Starbucks’ ex-CEO said “I wouldn’t really call them ‘luke-warm,’ we prefer to call them ‘temperature-neutral’ drinks. I also don’t agree with the term ‘customer’ so we’ve re-branded our audience as ‘people of beans.'”

At press time, Howard Schultz had made an offer to purchase Merriam-Webster so he could re-define choice terms from the English language. His proposed changes include, “entitled” which will now be “strategically-granted,” “smug” as “confidence-rich,” and “asshat” as “ego-forward.”

Ash Strayer

Funny, in spite of ovaries.

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