Biden Granted One Emotional Support Ice Cream Cart For Next Debate

“Mmmmm! I got mine!” Joe was heard saying to his wife Jill, “Did you want anything?”

In an unforeseen appeal, Joe Biden was able to secure the first emotional support ice cream truck in the history of American politics. After a barrage of interruptions, crude insults, and having to repress a great deal of muffled expletives, Biden is calling in reinforcements from his friends in the dairy industry. He’s taken his Lactaid, rehearsed his best meme poses, and is confident he has his A-list coping mechanisms at the ready.

“It’s undebatable, he’s gonna get creamed!” Biden said, as he lowered Terminator-like shades from his eyes and took an oversized bite from an ice cream, then two more in rapid succession, that made my own teeth ache with sympathy pains.

Biden will be allowed to leverage his emotional support ice cream truck a total of 3 total times during the next debate. He’s hoping it will cool him off, and make his opponent even a smidge more tolerable.

“A spoonful of sugar!! Is that what that lady says?!? A spoonful of sugar?!?!?” 

By this time, Biden was on his fifth ice cream cone, part of his outfit had gone missing, and he was hanging from the lighting fixture. The large amounts of sugar seemed to be amplifying his mood, but also spiking his energy levels and compromising his judgement. 

“See I’M the medicine that’s gonna make HIM GO DOWN! He’s GOIN DOWN!! You feel me!? Wooo!”

It was at this time our interview concluded as Biden’s team swept in to check blood sugar levels and restore full clothedness. 

We look forward to seeing how these newly available socio-emotional resources allow our political representatives to put their best feet and coolest heads forward.

Ash Strayer

Funny, in spite of ovaries.

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