Three KitKat Commercials

Act One

A group of Boy Scouts have hiked into a deep forest. The scout leader gathers the boys around a fire pit, lined with kindling and crumpled paper.

“Ok scouts!,” said the leader. “As you know, we are here this afternoon to earn our camp fire starter’s badge! This is one of the most crucial skills to master to survive and thrive within nature. Today, Joseph will be the first to demonstrate his fire starting skills!”

All 78 and a half pounds of Joseph peeked out from behind the legs of another boy. He emerged, sheepishly, approaching the hearth. The scout leader extended his arms, offering him two sturdy sticks and an encouraging smile. He nudged Joseph toward the pile of kindling in the middle of the fire pit. The other boys circled closely inward in anticipation.

Joseph gripped the two sticks tightly and audibly exhaled as he struck them together and began to boldly rub to and fro. The sticks swept across one another with a stark, pulsating rhythm that increased with intensity to become almost a hum. Thomas bit his lip and bent his knees, lowering his center of gravity to build more speed. The other scouts exchanged nervous glances, stabling themselves on each other’s shoulders.

As the minutes passed, a wisp of something eeked out from between the sticks and someone in the back sounded a cry of encouragement. The brow of the scout leader was peppered with droplets of sweat which began to pool and run into his sideburns. “Come on, Joseph!” he urged.

A brilliant orange sunset rose to backlight Joseph’s arms as they flopped back and forth with what little strength he had left. The other scouts sat on log benches, huddled up together, struggling to keep their eyelids open. They pulled on their jackets to ease their shivering as the night temperatures dropped. The scout leader looked genuinely concerned, but dared not interrupt Joseph, who was determined to obtain the badge, despite his waining energy.

He glanced up at his troop, yawning and stretching. His eyes darted around, then lit up fiercely in an instant. He dropped the sticks which had been clutched so firmly that their indentation remained on both hands. He unzipped his backpack pocket to remove something. The crowd began to stir.

Joseph swung his arm into the air, pointing a bright orange KitKat straight up towards the heavens. He ripped open the plastic wrapper and broke off two pieces of the crunchy, chocolatey confection. With the speed and grace of an oiled gazelle, he crossed the KitKat bars in a T shape and began to rub back and forth. Back and forth. With each stroke, the Boy Scouts’ eyes grew wider. They lifted their buns from their seats and clamored inward to form a tighter circle around Joseph.

Everyone’s eyes were transfixed on the velvety, rhythmic chafing of the bars, as a glorious shimmer began to emerge from the friction. At first it was a small spark, but then it billowed outward in a cascade of colors. Blues and oranges, and golden yellow and green and indigo. An entire rainbow of the most immense colors rose from the KitKat bars in the shape of big billowy flames.

The scout leader’s eyes tripled in size as he gazed into the rainbow blaze Joseph had conjured. He paged frantically through his scout manual, but found neither guidance nor an appropriate badge for this occurrence. Joseph’s mouth hung agape with disbelief and delight at his creation, when something reached over and tapped on his shoulder.

He turned to look behind him and locked eyes with a rainbow unicorn, who was standing upright, and waving politely to introduce itself. At the same time, other creatures began to emerge from all sides of the densely packed trees. Rainbow bunnies, rainbow deer, a rainbow mountain lion that wore a little monacle. A rainbow centaur with the head of Christopher Lloyd, and of course, a rainbow dragon.

All jaws were dropped. The scouts were paralyzed with amazement. The rainbow unicorn motioned towards the opened KitKat. Joseph summoned all his force to regain composure and retrieve the KitKat, break a piece off and hand it to the unicorn. The unicorn winked and bit into it with an otherworldly crunch. Grinning as he chewed, he raised his front hooves toward the sky and gave a victorious cry. He threw his arm around Joseph and slapped a badge into his Boy Scout vest. The badge depicted a multicolored blaze and read “KitKat Friend Of The Forest.”

With that, two rainbow beavers lowered the needle onto their turntables and an epic beat was dropped. The mystical creatures began to gyrate their bodies alongside the scouts, who raised Joseph above their heads and cheered his name. The Boy Scouts celebrated this victory with an all night dance party and pot luck.

Joseph grew up and went on to own his own candy bar company, sadly succumbing to fatal arm cramps as the result of chronically trying to start fires with them.

Act Two

A teenage girl is getting dressed with nervous anticipation. She tries on four different dresses before deciding on jeans and a t-shirt she thinks makes her look cool. Her mother helps with her hair while the daughter waves her away with feigned discouragement. She dots her cheeks with blush as the doorbell rings.

She rushes down the stairs and opens the door to a teenage boy thrusting a bouquet of flowers towards her. Suddenly she doesn’t need the blush, as the blood rushes into her cheeks and a huge grin spreads across her face. They wave goodbye to her mother as they gallop off to his car slamming the door behind them.

They park right in front of a movie theater with a big leaderboard that says “Love Story.” He exits first to dart around and open the door for her. She beams up at him as she emerges. They almost lock hands to walk into the theater together, but both retract at the last minute, pretending to do something else.

When it’s their turn to buy snacks at the counter, he orders for her, and she is delighted that he knows her well enough to get her favorite, a popcorn bucket full of KitKat bars. She kinks her head to the side with an impressed smirk.

They duck into the theater just as the previews are ending. Their seats push their bodies close together in the dark and they both give each other a nervous glance as the movie starts. There is a passionate and turbulent love story unfolding on the screen in front of them. They chomp through a few dozen kitkat bars in the first and second act like they were being thrown into a wood chipper.

In the 3rd act the audience is not quite sure the lovers will be reunited, after such perilous obstacles have unfolded between them. But to everyone’s great relief, they run towards each other in the final scene to a climactic embrace. The teenage girl looks at the teenage boy, who was already looking at her and not even feeling that guilty for being caught. They look away in embarrassment, then back again, then away…

And as the protagonists of the film lock lips in an epic crescendo, the boy leans towards the girl right as she spins her head back toward him, slamming her jaw into his nose with such force he is thrown back into his seat. A cascade of blood begins to shoot from his nose and she stares, aghast, and starts spewing apologies. He grasps for the popcorn bucket to catch the geyser of blood that’s beginning to spill down his face and soak through his shirt. The blood pours onto the dozens of kitkats still remaining in the bucket. Their limbs tangle while trying and failing to contain the blood, and one lone KitKat falls out.

The teenage girl is struck with an idea and reaches for the Kit Kat. She breaks two pieces off of the delicious candy confection and raises her eyes to the boy who is pinching his nostrils shut and making a gurgling sound.

We see the couple emerge from the theater holding hands. They walk to the car, stop, as he opens her door for her and she ducks inside. His shirt is almost completely covered in blood as he looks across at her from the drivers side seat. Her eyebrows are raised apologetically as she winced and shrugs her shoulders. She looks back at him, his nose plugged with one stick of KitKat plugging up each nostril. He smiles at her and the kitkats spread and retract. They begin to laugh, but stop as the laughter almost dislodges one of the KitKats.

The girl leans in toward the boy, until their mouths almost touch, but the KitKat bars poking from the boy’s nostrils block her advances, like two giant chocolatey fangs. She gently pushes the KitKat bars out to each side and to plant a quick but passionate kiss. They smile, then begin to laugh again.

Act Three (This Is The Best One)

A 3rd grade girl in pigtails is primly painting the finishing touches onto a miniature wooden chair. She blows on it to make sure it’s dry, then places it at a tiny dining room table inside her dollhouse. The house is adorned with every possible mini extravagance. A tiny couch, a tiny vacuum cleaner, a tiny cat with a tiny saucer of milk, a tiny television playing tiny cartoons.

The shelves of her room are lined with little metal woodworking tools, cans of paint, and brushes. The girl takes special care to position each hand-crafted piece and place her miniature family lovingly si they can enjoy the fruits of their tiny domecile. She heaves a satisfied sigh, gazing upon her finished work.

Tying her braids up into two little buns, she grabs her backpack and stuffs a KitKat bar into her back pocket before hurling herself down the stairs.

She walks with gleeful contentment down the sidewalk towards her elementary school, when something drops suddenly from the large tree in front of her. She rushes over to get a closer look.

A young, brown squirrel is rolling around clutching at his paw, having fallen from his nest onto the pavement. He hees and haws in pain, trying and failing to get back up to his feet. His leg is clearly broken. He looks up at the little girl with teensy weensy tears in his eyes.

At once she has an idea. She grabs the KitKat from her back pocket and tears open the bright orange wrapper. She snaps two pieces of the crunchy, chocolatey confection off. She reaches into her backpack and withdraws a tiny toolkit and begins to whittle away at one of the the KitKats using her carving tools.

She wipes sweat from her brow as she presents the final product to the injured squirrel. She helps him raise his little squirrel arms up and over the two miniature crutches she has crafted from her KitKat bar. They are a perfect fit, and allow him to lift himself up and finally stand upright.

She uses a ribbon from her braids to bandage his little leg before he waves to her and heads back towards his tree. He presses the up button on the tiny elevator installed inside the tree for its disabled tenants. It blinks as the elevator arrives, and they give each other one last wave goodbye before parting ways.

That night, as she is laying in her bed, she hears the faintest, tiniest knock at her window. “Clink clink clink.” She looks over and sees the squirrel waving his paw at her. She opens the window and sees the squirrel without his crutches at the end of a long trail of chocolatey crumbs. He looks guiltily up at her, having snacked away the last of his crutches.

She tilts her head and smiles at him as she snaps another two KitKat pieces apart and begins to whittle him a new pair.

Ash Strayer

Funny, in spite of ovaries.

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