Opinion: Go to New York, today! We did.

Hello friends and neighbors. We hope this letter finds you well. We have just returned from a wonderful six day trip to the world famous New York City, the city that never eats! Surprisingly, we found many fine dining establishments throughout the city’s five underground burrows! As you probably already know, New York is famous […]

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I Lived It: My Boyfriend Said “B. R. Bizzle”

In a breathtakingly disappointing feat of cultural synthesis, my boyfriend, on his way to buy me french fries at 10:45 in the evening, said confidently, “B. R. Bizzle” before hitching up his pants and meandering out the front door. The event happened abruptly last week, after I had grown concerned about my boyfriend’s increasing interest […]

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Going Green: Starbucks Now Offering All Drinks At Room Temperature

To support Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s proposed new Green Deal, Starbucks has announced it will serve all its drink offerings at room temperature to save energy. When approached for comment, Howard Schuktz, Starbucks’ ex-CEO said “I wouldn’t really call them ‘luke-warm,’ we prefer to call them ‘temperature-neutral’ drinks. I also don’t agree with the term ‘customer’ so […]

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Scam Alert: Door To Door Cryotherapy Really Just Snow-Swirlies

Seattle residents are warned to be on the look out for door to door salesmen roaming local neighborhoods swindling locals with a discount Cryotherapy scam. “It sounded like a great deal,” said Shirley De Santiago of White Center, “but when I paid them the $20 they told me to strip down to my skivvies and […]

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Pony Bar More Open Than Ever As Eight Inches Arrive In Seattle

The Pony is among the few Seattle bars on Capital Hill to remain open in spite of a prolific state-wide snow storm. Undeterred by the snowfall, Pony club goers actually seemed quite excited to about the record number of inches to be received. “Who doesn’t love getting hammered by eight inches?” said club regular Freako […]

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IT Staff Try Turning US Government Off and On Again

In a last ditch effort to jump start the government, the US Senate’s IT staff have decided to try turning the government off and on again. “It’s so crazy it just might work!” said Kyle Aguila, a Tech Support Engineer at the US Capitol Building. who has been working unpaid during the shutdown . “We’ve […]

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