Politics

Black Light Reveals GOP Covered In Toxic Masculinity

It was an unexpected surprise during 70’s Rollerskating Night at the GOP when the black light revealed the Republican Party is covered in toxic masculinity. “I just thought I spilled some of my mom’s creamy potato chowder on myself,” said Ted Cruz, as he covered his fingers in saliva and tried to rub out the […]

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Local

Search Continues For Woman Lost In Infinity Scarf

Karen Johnson has been missing since Tuesday morning and was last seen wearing a black, oversized infinity scarf. She was last heard saying, “Brr! It’s lookin’ chilly out there,” before she disappeared in the doorway of her Kirkland, Washington home. “Karen had been experimenting with infinity scarves for awhile now,” said her husband, Greg Johnson, […]

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Gluttony

BDSM Nachos Have No Safe-Word

These nachos are bad, REAL bad. I mean like NAUGHTY bad. They want your mouth on ‘em, and they’re just BEGGING for it! They don’t want a safe word and they don’t need one. They don’t want you to stop, no matter how much they try to wriggle away from your greased hands. THAT is […]

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Local

Seattle Reinforces Toilets To Withstand Violent Coffee Shits

To ensure public safety, the City of Seattle has issued a public ordinance to mandate that all toilets be reinforced in order to withstand the violent coffee shits that have become a staple of the city’s coffee culture. Seattle Mayor Jenny Durkan has declared a city-wide plumbing emergency after escalating instances of exploding porcelain toilets […]

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People

Gynecologist Commits To Getting More Hands-On in 2019

As the new year begins, many people are making resolutions to ensure 2019 is their best year yet, and that’s no different for our local medical professionals. Doctor Heisenberg Gropenstein has been working as an OB-GYN for the last 26 years, but this year, he has committed to getting more hands-on in his day to […]

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