Opinion

Opinion: Go to New York, today! We did.

Hello friends and neighbors. We hope this letter finds you well. We have just returned from a wonderful six day trip to the world famous New York City, the city that never eats! Surprisingly, we found many fine dining establishments throughout the city’s five underground burrows! As you probably already know, New York is famous […]

Read more
People

I Lived It: My Boyfriend Said “B. R. Bizzle”

In a breathtakingly disappointing feat of cultural synthesis, my boyfriend, on his way to buy me french fries at 10:45 in the evening, said confidently, “B. R. Bizzle” before hitching up his pants and meandering out the front door. The event happened abruptly last week, after I had grown concerned about my boyfriend’s increasing interest […]

Read more
Food

Going Green: Starbucks Now Offering All Drinks At Room Temperature

To support Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s proposed new Green Deal, Starbucks has announced it will serve all its drink offerings at room temperature to save energy. When approached for comment, Howard Schuktz, Starbucks’ ex-CEO said “I wouldn’t really call them ‘luke-warm,’ we prefer to call them ‘temperature-neutral’ drinks. I also don’t agree with the term ‘customer’ so […]

Read more
News

Scam Alert: Door To Door Cryotherapy Really Just Snow-Swirlies

Seattle residents are warned to be on the look out for door to door salesmen roaming local neighborhoods swindling locals with a discount Cryotherapy scam. “It sounded like a great deal,” said Shirley De Santiago of White Center, “but when I paid them the $20 they told me to strip down to my skivvies and […]

Read more
Local

Pony Bar More Open Than Ever As Eight Inches Arrive In Seattle

The Pony is among the few Seattle bars on Capital Hill to remain open in spite of a prolific state-wide snow storm. Undeterred by the snowfall, Pony club goers actually seemed quite excited to about the record number of inches to be received. “Who doesn’t love getting hammered by eight inches?” said club regular Freako […]

Read more
Politics

IT Staff Try Turning US Government Off and On Again

In a last ditch effort to jump start the government, the US Senate’s IT staff have decided to try turning the government off and on again. “It’s so crazy it just might work!” said Kyle Aguila, a Tech Support Engineer at the US Capitol Building. who has been working unpaid during the shutdown . “We’ve […]

Read more
Politics

Black Light Reveals GOP Covered In Toxic Masculinity

It was an unexpected surprise during 70’s Rollerskating Night at the GOP when the black light revealed the Republican Party is covered in toxic masculinity. “I just thought I spilled some of my mom’s creamy potato chowder on myself,” said Ted Cruz, as he covered his fingers in saliva and tried to rub out the […]

Read more
Local

Search Continues For Woman Lost In Infinity Scarf

Karen Johnson has been missing since Tuesday morning and was last seen wearing a black, oversized infinity scarf. She was last heard saying, “Brr! It’s lookin’ chilly out there,” before she disappeared in the doorway of her Kirkland, Washington home. “Karen had been experimenting with infinity scarves for awhile now,” said her husband, Greg Johnson, […]

Read more