The fart is the only art form whose audience is always present and never invited.

n. The itinerant school. A composition performed while in motion, such that no single room may claim the premiere and no single listener may claim standing to complain.

First attested in open-plan offices, though the technique is older than the furniture.

★★★★☆ — A confident and unhurried piece, performed to a full house of six between the fourth and the lobby.

The artist’s decision to hold the final note until the doors had opened showed real nerve. One mark withheld for the exit, which was frankly cowardly.

Sir —

Your correspondent writes from a desk situated between a colleague who eats lentils and a colleague who does not.

I have made my peace with the first. It is the second, who sighs meaningfully and opens a window, whom I have come to regard as the true aggressor.

A reasonable man cannot be expected to hold his breath from nine until five, and I put it to your readers that the sigh is the ruder of the two acts.

FOR SALE — One elevator, four floors, lightly used. Buyer collects. No questions, and I will not be answering the one you are about to ask.

“Was that you?”

“Was what me?”

“…”

“…”

“It was me.”